Can't Have You
by AfewSentencesShortOfaParagraph
Summary: Finn shares the duet he wrote for Rachel with her for the first time. Takes place during the 'New York' episode. Rachel's point of View; One-Shot.


**This little one-shot lodged itself into my head, and I didn't want to let it go. This, or something similar, might have been done before. If so, I apologize, but it's been fun to write anyway!**

**So, basically, this is set during the season finale- 'New York'. After his "work" date with Rachel, Finn goes back to the hotel and pours out all his feelings into his song- Pretending. Then, he shows it to Rachel for the first time the next morning after her adventure with Kurt. **

**This is Rachel's point of view…Finn introducing her to their National's duet. =)**

**I don't own Glee, including the lyrics to pretending. Boo!**

I tossed on the bed again, extremely restless. I had been sitting with the pad of paper and my favorite pen in hand ever since I had gotten back to the hotel and changed into my pajamas. There were so many conflicting emotions in my head, and I figured they would make great emotional fuel for a song…but I was stuck.

For one, the other girls were still rambunctious- playing truth or dare without any regard for the fact that I was actually trying to work. The other thing that was keeping my creative juices from flowing was the fact that I wasn't exactly sure how I was feeling, so I couldn't use my emotions to write flawless lyrics.

I regretted not letting him kiss me…but I knew in my heart that I had told him the truth when I said that I couldn't. Finn was amazing- all I had ever wanted, but I just couldn't take him now that he had finally made himself accessible; put himself up on my shelf.

It would be selfish of me to lead him on when I knew there was no place for our relationship to go. In a year, I would be back in New York going to auditions and school simultaneously. I would have no time for a boyfriend…especially a boyfriend that would be stuck in Lima; a place I never wanted to see again after leaving.

When Finn had leaned in, his lips so wonderfully close to my own, I just couldn't keep my senses from jumping back to New York. I had heard the Taxis honking, the people yelling. I had smelled the street dogs, a smell that made my vegan stomach slightly nauseous, and, most importantly, I had seen the wonderful city framing Finn's face as he got closer. They were all just reminders of how giving in to him was the worst idea for both of us.

On the other hand, the yearning I had felt was very nearly pain. It was twisted in my stomach, a magnet that had pulled me closer to Finn where I knew, instinctively, I belonged. Our first relationship had been immature and underdeveloped. Finn hadn't been over Quinn, and I had never had a serious boyfriend before. Jessie was a complete lie, so I had no experience to draw from. Finn and I suffered for it dearly. I knew in my bones that this time it would be different. We were both ready…we could make it work. The question was, did I want to? Could I compromise my dreams for an attachment to the sweet, sometimes misguided Finn that had been my best friend for so long?

I couldn't decide on my answer, so eventually I had put the notebook down. There was no sense in forcing my ideas on to paper when the only emotion I was able to convey was frustration.

With a heavy heart I had drifted off to sleep.

XXX

Without realizing it, Kurt had known exactly what I had needed the next morning. He had taken me to breakfast at Tiffany's, and he gave me a taste of what it would be like to perform on Broadway every night. I loved Finn dearly, but I simply could not give up the feeling of belonging and elation I had felt singing on that stage.

"Do you think Mr. Schue is back to the hotel yet?" I asked Kurt nervously, quickening my pace.

"Who cares? If anyone else were to understand our need for that kind of an adventure it would be Schuester. It was his dream once, too, remember?"

"Yeah…I wonder how he gave it up. I know my mom said not making it felt like a broken promise; I wonder if Mr. Schue feels the same way."

"I'd imagine he would have to; a dream is a wish your heart makes, and if your dream doesn't come true your heart breaks."

I smiled at Kurt, knowing he was the only one who truly understood how I felt about Broadway. We would break into the business together if it was the last thing we did.

We arrived back at the hotel, rushing up to the room. As much as we had wanted to explore the wonders of New York a bit more, we still had songs to write for National's. I was feeling much more centered, and ready to write, so I was anxious to get started.

As Kurt and I walked down the hall together we spotted a tall figure hunched over a water fountain. I flushed, immediately recognizing Finn. I didn't know how awkward things were going to be considering I had basically rejected him the night before.

He stood up, wiping his mouth on his plaid shirtsleeve, and he smiled slightly at the sight of Kurt and me. "Hey Kurt, Mercedes was looking for you this morning," He greeted his step brother, and then turned to me. "Hi, Rachel, I was just about to knock on the girl's room. I need to show you something."

Why did he have to be so adorable?

"What is it?" I asked softly, unable to look away from the way he was staring at me. It was doing funny things to the rhythm of my heart.

"It's, uh, a surprise. There's a lounge downstairs with a piano in it. The nice lady at the front desk let me use it earlier. It's empty so we can be alone…come on."

Finn babbled on nervously, and I could tell he was still a little upset from last night. There was a barely detectable edge to his voice that I was sure most people would not have picked up on, but I knew him better than anyone.

Without looking back to make sure I was following him, Finn strode down the hall to the elevator. I had to jog lightly to keep up with his long strides.

The tension in the air grew thicker as the elevator door closed, leaving us alone and with nothing safe to talk about.

"So where did you and Kurt disappear to this morning?" Finn asked finally asked nonchalantly, forcing light conversation. I knew that if I didn't tell him about the adventure, he would try and pump information from Kurt later. Kurt always told me that Finn asked about me, and asked if I mentioned him at all, whenever I hung out with Kurt. It broke my heart slightly, knowing he was still interested, but knowing that I could not act on it.

"We got breakfast at Tiffany's and then snuck into the Gershwin Theater."

"Isn't that where Wicked is? I hear Kurt gush over it all the time."

I smiled, a small pride welling up in my chest as it did any time Finn remembered something Broadway related.

"Very good," I complimented him as the elevator doors whooshed open. I followed Finn to the lounge- a relatively small room with plush seats set up in neat little rows. At the front of the heavily carpeted room was a hardwood stage, elevated only a few feet from the floor. A beautiful, black Grand piano sat off to stage left, and on top of the piano were several sheets of music and a few broken pencils.

Finn immediately walked to the piano, grabbing only a few of the papers that were haphazardly scattered around. "I spent the night in here," Finn said with a small, nervous laugh.

I looked closer at him, noticing the deep, black circles under his eyes for the first time. "What were you doing?" I asked him, unable to keep the shock out of my voice.

"Writing," he told me sheepishly. "I spent most of the night working the lyrics. Believe me; those rhyming dictionaries really come in handy. Anyway, once I had those where I liked them, I called Puck down. He wasn't too thrilled that I woke him up at five in the morning, but I needed his help with all the harmonies. Writing music is harder than I thought it would be."

I started at Finn, my dopey, loveable Finn, with astonishment. "You wrote a song?"

"Don't act so surprised," Finn commanded, genuinely hurt.

"I'm sorry; I guess I just didn't know you had that kind of ambition. Can I see it?"

"Of course; I wrote it for us, after all….to sing, I mean."

He blushed and handed me a few sheets of music, lyrics copied sloppily under hand drawn bars of music. As I absorbed the lyrics, I realized why Finn had delivered his last sentence the way he had…this song was not only a duet for us, but it was quite literally about us. My heart swelled and broke at the same time as I tried to comprehend all the emotion that went behind the lyrics.

I suddenly felt compelled to pluck out the notes; find out what was basically Finn's and my song sounded like. I crossed over to the piano, brushing my fingers along the keys. I tentatively walked my way through the nearly illegible writing, getting a feel for the rhythm and flow.

It was absolutely gorgeous.

"Can we try to sing it?" I asked, unable to meet Finn's expectant stare.

"That's kinda why I brought you down here in the first place. If we're going to win National's, we'll need to practice, right?"

"Right," I smiled at him, trying to pick up the pace with my playing. "This is going to be choppy; stay with me," I warned him.

And then we launched into the song.

It wasn't perfect, but the harmonies that were written were lovely. I slipped up at the piano a few times, trying to read what was going on with the notes. It was less of a run through of the song, and more of a stumble through.

It was hard to concentrate on my playing or hitting the notes, though, because I was really focused on Finn's lyrics.

_We're so close yet so far apart_

It was true…Finn and I had never been closer as friends or closer to an actually, healthy relationship, but we were so far apart in the sense that we couldn't seem to be ready at the same time.

_But I hold on, I stay strong…wondering if we still belong. _

Finn wanted to know if we still belonged together. I wanted to run over to him, jump into his arms and tell him that we always belonged…that we were meant for each other, but I stayed at the bench, immersing myself in Finn's thoughts rather than breaking the flow. It wasn't ever day that one got the opportunity to listen to another's heart and soul. Finn's raw honesty, hope, and fear were beautiful, and they resonated in my heart as we sang.

_Will we ever say __the words__ we're feeling, reach down underneath and tear down all the walls. Will we ever have a happy ending, or will we forever only be pretending?_

It was like Finn had taken all the jumbled words inside my head, and made sense out of them. I couldn't tell him how I was feeling exactly for fear of hurting him and giving him false hope. I couldn't help but wonder what it was that he couldn't tell me.

The deliberate way Finn made it 'our happy ending' made my heart skip beats like crazy. He had basically said that we would have a happy ending if we just stopped pretending we didn't care. It was not a question of if, but when.

_Imagine that I am good enough, and we can choose the ones we love. _

Did Finn think he wasn't good enough for me? The thought alone made me flush.

_And it's such a shame, 'cause if you feel the same, how am I supposed to know? _

I nearly cried out by the time we were singing that line…how could he doubt that I loved him? This was just so hard.

We sang the chorus one last time, and the final note hung in the air as silence slowly consumed us.

Finn was looking at me expectantly, obviously waiting to hear my feedback.

"So, what did you think?" he finally asked, the hope in his voice making my stomach flip.

"You're a really talented writer, Finn," I complimented him, unable to make any personal comments about the lyrics. There was just so much to say, and I couldn't bear to say any of it.

"Thanks," he mumbled, clearly disappointed. "Should we run it again?"

"Definitely," I said, avoiding his eyes.

Maybe we _wouldn't_ ever stop pretending…

**What did you think? Was it bland, unoriginal? Feel free to let me know! Thanks for reading!  
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